Disorder

“I’ve been waiting for a guide to come and take me by the hand,

Could these sensations make me feel the pleasures of a normal man?

These sensations barely interest me for another day,

I’ve got the spirit, lose the feeling, take the shock way.” – Joy Division

I used to listen to this song on repeat, not really comprehending the meaning, but feeling its frequency in my soul. I understand now that I too had been waiting and searching for a guide my entire life. I yearned for it. As life took me further and further down the path of egotism and materialism, I tried to fill the existential gap with sensations that were outside myself; achievement, accumulation, people pleasing, lust, alcohol, addiction...


This just took me further away from what I was looking for, and the further away I got, the more destructive my search became, and the more painful life became.


It was only when I surrendered and stopped trying to numb or run from my pain did my guide show up and teach me how to lean into my pain to find everything I had been looking for.


It was always inside of me.


Happiness is a birthright and we are only required to live it.


This entire world is like an addiction that serves to separate us from what we are. If we walk into the pain caused by that separation, we will always find the freedom we have been searching for.


This is the story of the resurrection.


This is the Way.






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