A Plundering Desire for Love
Yesterday marked my 3rd year anniversary of complete sobriety and today I enter my 4th year of recovery from alcoholism. It has been an incredibly challenging journey with tremendous obstacles to overcome at every turn. All paths from those dark bottoms are hard, and I don’t know how my path compares to others, but it doesn’t matter now because I have stopped comparing myself to anyone. That has been one of the many gifts of this journey. A journey of inspired personal transformation through the combination of discipline and surrender. The intersection of discipline and surrender is flow, which is that feeling of complete peace in the present moment, no matter what is happening externally. That is how I feel right now, and how I have felt though most of this past year. This is where recovery has taken me, and it is a blessing. My alcoholism hurt, injured, and scared so many people that I love deeply, so recovery carries no pride for me. Pride comes before the fall, and I have lived that in this lifetime. Pride is one of many sins that I don’t plan to repeat. There is only gratitude. Gratitude that: • I have not picked up a mood altering substance in three years • I no longer have the obsession of the mind around drinking • That I no longer must lie, manipulate, cheat, and humiliate myself to hide and feed my addictions • That control, people pleasing, dis-honesty, impulsivity and false pride are no longer meaningful parts of my character • I don’t have to hide my inferiority complex by being an egomaniac • I am freed from the bondage of self • I have free will in choosing who I want to be all the time and can now practice spiritual principles in all my affairs • And most critically, that I can love and forgive unconditionally In three years, my own experience has proven to me, unequivocally, that alcoholism is a disease of the mind that no amount of self-will can solve. It is a symptom of separateness born out of a thirst for wholeness. Alcoholism is a spiritual malady that requires a spiritual solution. I am blessed to be surrounded by people who have found that solution and they have helped me find mine. We cause so much pain and suffering in our sickness, but we can shine so much light and love in our recovery. So many of you that are in my life now see that light and love and it reflects right back to me and it is beautiful. For anyone on the outside that has been cautiously watching from afar; I understand…I really, really do. But the miracle is here to see, but one needs to look to see, and one needs to have the willingness to look. That willingness is outside of me and outside of my control, but what is inside of me and 100% in my control, is a wide-open heart and my love for every one of you.
In 2003, Morrisey revealed his favourite Smith’s song was “The Boy With the Thorn In His Side” and it is also my favourite.
“The boy with the thorn in his side Behind the hatred, there lies A murderous desire for love How can they look into my eyes And still they don’t believe me? How can they hear me say those words Still they don’t believe me? And if they don’t believe me now Will they every believe me? The boy with the thorn in his side Behind the hatred there lies A plundering desire for love How can they see the love in our eyes And still they don’t believe us? And after all this time They don’t want to believe us And if they don’t believe us now Will they ever believe us? And when you want to live How do you start? Where do you go? Who do you need to know?”