The Weight of the World
It is like a distant memory today, but I can still remember the feeling. At first it felt like my clothes had become weighted or I had suddenly become heavier, and I was carrying around more than usual. As time went on, I became very aware of it first thing in the morning when I woke up. It felt like I had a heavy blanket on me, ever so slightly pushing on me, tempting me to not get out of bed. That heavy blanket slowly turned into a blanket of lead like they use at the dentist when I get an X-ray. Then the days came when it took every bit of energy I had just to get out of bed to face the world. I would lay there listening to the birds in dread before moving. Finally, I had the weight of the world on me, and I could no longer move and the light in me almost went out.
Through all of this I never really asked for help and when I did, I wasn’t able to be honest because I didn’t understand my own feelings. I don’t think I knew how to ask for help. Maybe I didn’t think I was worthy of help. Maybe help had not been there when I asked in the past. I didn’t ask for help and I kept taking on more instead of letting go of what was already too much for me. Instead, I worked even harder to try and control the uncontrollable world around me. I used coping mechanisms of escape that provided short term relief with disastrous side effects. It all just added to the weight I was carrying until I could no longer breathe. I couldn’t carry the weight of a single thought let alone the world.
All growth comes from painful experiences and this one has been my greatest teacher. I have learned how to try and let go and ask for help, but I have also learned that help doesn’t always come just because I need it and there are some things that I am not willing or can’t let go of. These remain out of my control. However, I have learned how to strengthen my own foundation to hold more. This is always 100% in my control, and this has truly transformed my life beyond words.
No matter what is happening around us, the option to strengthen our own capacity to deal with it is fully within our control. We can’t stop the storm from coming, but through daily discipline we can increase our resiliency to walk through the storm. We always have the option to meditate, pray, journal, practice gratitude, walk, run, yoga, art, etc. I had been skeptical of the power of a daily discipline (sadhana) until the Universe gave me no other choice – which maybe was the point of all of this.
Now, no matter what challenges confront me in life, my daily discipline is the first place I turn to because it is 100% within my control and allows me to transform myself to meet life on life’s terms. When I commit this way to myself, it is the ultimate act of self-love. I am telling myself that I am worthy of this effort, I am worthy of love, and I am more than enough. I offset all the limiting beliefs that hold me back from experiencing my infinite creative capacity. A capacity to be in a place of weightlessness with whatever life has to offer.