There is a common theme or question that arises in the conversations I have with most people that are looking for coaching, guidance, mentorship, and healing. The question is “why is this happening to me?” and the theme is that they feel they are at the effect of the circumstances around them, and they want to change them. Even in its most subtle form, this is a victim mentality, and is a dynamic of helplessness and powerlessness. When people earnestly seek change from this paradigm (not just a specific set of circumstances), they are asking for transformation.
The transformation they seek only occurs on the inside because the truth is that the circumstances of our life don’t matter, all that matters is how we relate to them. How we relate to our circumstances is the only thing we have any control over and that is the only place we can exercise free will. The Universe goes on around us regardless of our illusory beliefs and attempts to control it. The sun rises and sets with or without our permission.
But how we relate to our circumstances is no small thing. It is everything. It holds the key to transformation and higher consciousness.
To accept this concept, we need to smash the notion that anything in life happens to us and embrace the idea that everything in life happens for us. Every happening, every event, every obstacle and all the pain and suffering that we have ever experienced are lessons that are created and provided for us to bring us closer to our Divine nature and ultimately to our birthright of happiness. And who is creating these lessons? Well, you are, because you are the one that co-creates your own reality in concert with a power that is beyond your ability to understand.
Now our ego wants to reject all of this because it goes against our conditioning, a conditioning that predisposes us to want to play the victim. We like to complain, blame, judge, shame and (let’s be honest) enjoy the attention that the victim receives. In fact, we may be addicted to this mindset so to change it requires willingness, intention, and practice.
Try this with an open mind and an open heart: No matter what is happening in your life, try to find the pause to ask the question “why is this happening for me? What is the opportunity being presented to me now?”. Force yourself to answer this question over and over. Write the answers in a journal if you have time. At first it may feel very unnatural, and your answers may even seem silly but with time, it will transform you and the way you see the world.
A friend of mine had set a goal of surrendering to life on life’s terms but in the last few months she has encountered challenge after challenge that is making surrender hard. She started by asking “why is this happening to me?” and created all sorts of stories in her head around it. Only when she asked, “why is this happening for me?” was the answer glaringly obvious. If your goal is to master the art of surrender the only way to achieve that is to be “gifted” opportunities to practice it.
And that is what makes life so hard and so amazing.