They say God / The Universe speaks through people, and this week exactly that happened. I had an emotional conversation with a friend that is struggling with loneliness and depression. In between my responses, I caught myself saying something along the lines of “Is it so bad to feel that way? Maybe there is a gift in the suffering. Maybe the Universe is creating a catalyst to bring stillness in your life, to make you look inward.” At that moment, I realized I, too, needed to listen to that advice.
I spent the majority of my life very in control of my emotions. I was always praised for not being an emotional person, instead I was logical. But the reality is, I was still sensitive and emotional, I just bottled up those emotions. I learned to withhold my emotions, until I was no longer able to, in which case I ran from them, and eventually had to numb them with substances or distractions. My recovery journey forced me to face my emotions for the first time. This was no easy feat, as I had spent my whole life suppressing them to the point that I was completely disconnected from all of my emotions. To get healthy I needed to learn to identify with my emotions, learn how to bear witness them, and fully accept them. This process has brought with it massive shifts of growth and learning about myself. But ultimately, there are still unconscious patterns and beliefs systems at work on me. I still have an unconscious response to strong emotions, as if I am telling myself I am weak for ‘feeling’ those emotions, and it could not be further from the truth.
You see, in between the moments in our lives of clarity, connectedness and inspiration, lies confusion, disconnectedness and hopelessness. There is a natural ebb and flow of life, like the waves in the ocean. Constantly moving forcefully forward and then powerfully dragging back. But life has a way of tricking us. It tells us these moments of sadness, loneliness or fearfulness are to be avoided, as if its presence is a sign of weakness. That accepting and facing these darker times is something that should be avoided. As if, the act of hiding, running from them, or denying them is a better solution.
These moments are ‘gifts’!
The act of acknowledging their presence is an act of accepting our humanness. It presents vulnerability in the Self, and the humility to see our sometimes fragile existence in the world. Because after all, our existence is fragile, and should be nurtured, not denied.
What if we sat in those emotions and realized those overwhelming feelings are valid, they are real and they are here right now? Is there something wrong with that? Maybe those moments heal us. Maybe those moments create stillness from the hectic outside world and force us to acknowledge our whole and true self. Those moments give us a gift, it is our choice whether we deny them, run from them, hide from them, or ultimately, surrender.
Today, I am grateful for God speaking through my friend, and for giving me the courage to surrender to my emotions.
Here is a beautiful piece from Jeff Foster that summarizes this theme…
“We all feel so small here sometimes, so vulnerable, like a child longing for some deep reassurance that everything’s going to be “okay”.
As authentic spiritual teachers throughout the ages have been reminding us, there is profound truth in the realization that life is out of our control.
Life is too vast for the mind to comprehend, let alone control. We can seemingly control what we can seemingly control, but the rest is up to God, or the Universe, or Life, or whatever word we want to use for the Unnameable.
For a moment, let us stay with this existential anxiety. Drench it with curious awareness. Breathe into it like a newborn child (for that is what it is). Listen to it. Take a walk with it. Care for it today. Do not numb it or try to escape it, for that gives it more power.
Sink slowly and gently into our powerlessness, like a warm bath after a long day of walking.
Everything may be out of our control, to a lesser or greater extend, but here is the good news:
Our powerlessness may be a portal to deep surrender.
And at the core of our anxiety, we may find a great calm, and strength, and the power to stare life in the face, and keep walking - trembling, shaking, full of fear, yet unafraid.”
The Way
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